and how it didn’t go as planned

So it was results day for me yesterday, and it really didn’t go the way I wanted it to. These were only my AS results so it’s not as bad as it could’ve been but you know, still sucky.

So while you may be surrounded by youtubers and friends who have done well, and I am happy for those people in my life, it may not have turned out the same way for you. And it certainly didn’t for me either.

So I took psychology, maths and chemistry. My results were C,D,E respectively. Now, I needed a D in order to pass and be allowed to continue my subjects onto A2. Chemistry was gonna be a flop from the start I did honestly try my best, for maths too, but it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I think this was my first major fail in my life, something that had slightly more serious consequences than failing an end of topic test. Or flopping that spelling test back in year 3.

After speaking to my head of year, he advised me to drop both maths and chemistry and instead take up an applied science btec while continuing psychology for A2. Which probably is the best course of action for me, however I will have to stay for an extra year which is the one thing I really did not want to do.

But other than having to stay on for an extra year, I’m not mad about what happened. Realistically with the way everything was going, I don’t think I would’ve been able to get the grades I wanted to get into uni with the subjects I was studying. My head of year said as much.

Hopefully this alteration in my life is for the better, I was bound to hit a major bump in my education and I’m thankful that it was something that wasn’t impossible to find a solution to.

Until next time

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…and hate summer

  1. To finally be able to dress the way I want to, layers are my thing.
  2. To not be melting the second I step outside, I am over my constant boob sweat thank you very much.
  3. Not having to have all the windows open due to the heat and having half the insects from my garden moving in.
  4. COSY COMFORT = Autumn
  5. All the clothes are loose and flowy! Am I wearing a bra under this oversized jumper? You’ll never know 😉
  6. The general atmosphere is so much more chill
  7. The colours of autumn are so beautiful, GIVE ME ALL THE BURGUNDY
  8. Being able to actually fall asleep because the sun is actually going down before 10pm, as it should!
  9. There’s far less of an obligation to be social, summer is all about going out with friends all the time. I’d rather not thanks.
  10. Hot drinks! I love drinking tea and hot chocolate but there’s only so much of that you can drink when the weather outside resembles Satan’s armpits.

And these are just a few of the many reasons Autumn is my favourite season!

Until next time! 🙂

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Sure, why not a rant!

Periods suck, as any period having person will be able to tell you. Let me tell you why.

Where to begin?

Let’s start with the pain shall we? There’s the cramping which can be described as being akin to being stabbed in the gut and every so often the knife gets twisted, just when you think it may be manageable, it gets twisted in deeper. Then of course there’s everything else, the lower back pain, the boob tenderness. I have a separate bra that’s more stretched out specifically for when I’m on my period, and when given the opportunity I wear those sports bras that are basically just crop tops. Why they call them sports bras I’m not sure.

Your self esteem takes a hit too, when your previously clear skin now has lil mountains sprouting from all directions. I’ve been drinking my water, I don’t deserve this.

Then with the period itself, I have yet to master the art of inserting a tampon so I’m still using pads. Throwback to when I was one and wearing nappies, because sometimes that’s what it feels like. Tell me, how do you think it feels to stand up after letting your weary body rest for a bit and feel the torrent of blood, mucus and blood clots come out of you? You can feel the pad unstick from your skin. Lots of fun.

Speaking of discomfort, can we just talk about the crusty blood and very sticky situation we wake up to in the mornings when on our period? My laziness is no match for the discomfort, and I lie in bed for HOURS instead of getting up to pee. And let me tell you, the blood gets everywhere. Plus while we’re on the subject of sleep, it is so hard to fall asleep while on your period. I personally resemble a starfish when sleeping, so having to clamp my legs shut for 8 hours? Not a fan. And if I fail to do so? Well, let’s prepare for a lovely blood stain on my newly changed sheets! I don’t change my sheets often as is, so getting a bloodstain on them the day I decide to change them is a nightmare.

Plus you know, the constant fear that you have to live with in your day to day life worrying that you’re gonna leak. Have I mentioned how much fun this is?

And finally, the cherry on fucking top, assholes who think periods are a joke. Or tell me that my pain can’t be that bad? “Have you ever tried being kicked in the balls?” No I haven’t and I doubt it’s pleasant but jfc who told you to turn this into a competition? I have to go about my daily life with a smile on my face and hand in work that is of a high standard while my literal uterus is shredding itself so I’ll thank you very much to keep your ignorant opinions to yourself you stupid walnut.

And if anyone comments “lol are you on your period” a) Read the title dumbass and b) I started my day in a pool of my own blood, would you like to end yours in the same way? 🙂

Until next time!

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My childhood + books

So as I’ve grown older I’ve realised that sometimes parents say things that aren’t ok, things that are racist or sexist. And of course I’ve been calling them out like there’s no tomorrow, much to their annoyance because I’m making them think about what they’re doing. No one likes to be made aware of how shitty they’re being, but you gotta make people uncomfortable in order for change to happen. In my experience, my parents have calmed down with the comments and when they slip up, I make sure they hear my opinions loud and clear.
So it made me wonder, if my parents have always been like this and have been spouting these views from since I was however many years old and I used to believe everything they said was right (out of fear or respect? Who knows) Why aren’t I the same way? Why do I disagree and in some cases hate some of our cultural customs?
And I think the conclusion I’m coming to is books, books have always been apart of my life. The thing about books is that each one gives you a different perspective, and sometimes that perspective changes when you reread a book. And as a little brown girl with very strict parents, I’d like to think I learnt a lot from books. Kissing and romantic love, all these things that were considered borderline sinful in my world were celebrated in books. There’s a whole genre about romance, and it wasn’t always about a boy and a girl. Now at this moment in time, I think I am straight but these books opened my eyes to love in a way I couldn’t possibly imagine to find in the films that I watched with my family. They made it all seem so normal.
Just books man.
Do you guys read? And if so, do you remember when you first got into it?
Socials (I have a poetry tumblr now!!)
Until next time 🙂

As I’ve reached the end of year 12, the university application process has begun (yayy…) When I was younger I’d check out university websites just for fun, to get an idea of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. And now? Looking at unis is a chore, it’s so stressful because it’s all too real, too close. There’s no fun here, only the crushing weight of reality and what I’ll (hopefully) be doing a year from now.

For anyone wondering, I’m hoping to do a joint honours criminology and psychology course (ooh!) And, up until half way through year 12, I thought I wanted to go into medicine. And then I realised how bad at science I was and how much I really should not have taken chemistry, but I’m stuck with it now.

But after sitting in a classroom for literally a whole school day putting all my details into the UCAS website and attempting the first draft of my personal statement, I finally realised that, for the first time, getting the grades wasn’t the only factor to be considered. My dear children, I would highly recommend you do as many relevant volunteering roles and other such activities because you will thank yourself later when you have stuff to write about while your buddy next to you stares at their blank screen. If you haven’t already perfected the art of bullshitting by this point in your school career, you’ll definitely master it during your time writing your personal statement. It’s a wonderful skill to have.

So essentially this is a post to say I’m stressed. And it’s literally just the tip of the iceberg…

It’s the last day of July so it seemed appropriate to revisit this month’s goals. So these were my goals for this past month:

  1. Start doing yoga
  2. Start meditating again.
  3. Fully get back into blogging.
  4. Write more poetry/post more on instagram.
  5. Properly get back into the rhythm of studying.

Ok so I haven’t done ~that~ great, the first one I did attempt but I’ve since decided that yoga isn’t for me. I do try to stretch in the mornings but for now, that’s enough for me if I’m being honest.

Meditation, I’m slowly getting back into it. Not quite daily, or even weekly, but I’m getting back into it slowly but surely.

Let’s not talk about number 3, it’s one of my legit goals this month I swear. Ummm number 4 is the same as 3…

And number 5, not sure what I was thinking here. It’s the end of the year so there’s barely anything to work on however I have been working on what I can so yay me?

Onto August!

  1. BE A BLOGGER AND ACTUALLY BLOG (Aiming for once a week) (Minimum)
  2. BE A WRITER AND ACTUALLY WRITE (It’s hard ok!)
  3. Get back into the habit of working out everyday, periods and going on holiday has kinda thrown a spanner into that one this month.
  4. Pass my driving theory test, paid £23 for that so I better…
  5. Start prepping for year 13 and work on Uni stuff because that’s a thing now…

I think this is more than enough for this month, it kinda covers many aspects of my life to improve in 5 points!

Until next time! (Hopefully within a week..)

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People, they can be great. They can suck. And as someone who has broken ties with two separate sets of close friends within the course of about 1 and a half years, I’ve experienced both types and I’m sure I’ve been both types to others on more than one occasion. But where do you draw the line? When do you decide that you no longer want that person in your life?

Now I’m not saying kill them (as tempting as it may be) but distancing yourself. For me, the line is when I’m no longer rolling my eyes when I see them walk over and instead my heart drops and I’m suddenly in the worst mood ever. And this line becomes even more apparent when I can’t stand to see them on social media, so what do I do? Avoid, unfollow, delete. Out of my life they go. Tata bitch see you never!

And to me, this is a form of self care. To some it’s nice to have a bubble bath (I only have a shower so yeah that idea is out of the window..) and to others maybe listening to music. But me? Oh no, no I need to be proactive. I’m deleting pictures, unfollowing off instagram and venting til I’m blue in the face. (Not sure how that works though, I can’t even blush) (Brown skin you see)

Why not confront them Kirithika?? Well cos I don’t like confrontation, I usually forget all my good arguments (I doubt I could pull out index cards and still be menacing) and I can be a really mean bitch when I get angry so really I’m doing them a favour. And saving myself from a lifetime of regret. Selfish? Maybe. Do I care? Nope.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if someone is negatively impacting your life, you’re allowed to distance yourself from them and you don’t owe them a single thing. Maybe a big Fuck you but that’s about it!

Until next time 🙂

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